Anger seems to be the one feeling that people, including children, find uncomfortable to deal with, as it is potentially the most dangerous emotion- at its extreme, anger in the negative form of aggressive bullying attacks, can lead to death.
However, anger can be a positive valuable tool that serves to give young people energy and strength necessary to change a situation. To help your children manage anger effectively, you need to understand the different developmental stages that they go through. This will help you to know what behaviours are typical of each stage and the issues that are likely to be of concern to your children at different ages.
Infancy
Infancy is the period of time where children learn to acquire trust of the world and people in their environment. This is achieved by having the major needs of food, warmth, affection and care, taken care of by their parents and caregivers. You can help your children to start exercising some control over their emotions by labelling their feelings and by using words that are congruent with your nonverbal behaviour.
Toddler
At this stage, young children are battling with their parents over the physical control of their body. This is evident when 2 year olds appear to act in defiance against their parents over toilet-training habits. Help to re-establish control by modelling calmness and use simple, quiet words to get feelings across.
Primary
Skills like reading and writing, spelling and counting for example, require hard work and effort. So is the ability to make friends and establish a sense of belonging within their peer groups. These can be potential sources of threat and triggers of anger for the child. Unless your children complain of being excluded by peers, the rule of thumb for parents is to let go and allow their children learn acceptance and rejection on their own. However, if you feel that your children are unfairly treated by their peers and they complain about this, it is then appropriate to discuss the meaning of friendship, and help them to explore ways a person goes about making and keeping friends.
Adolescence
This is a period marked by great concerns of personal and social identities. Becoming totally self-absorbed is typical of this stage of development as these young people are concerned with establishing their own abilities, styles of thinking and feeling- factors that affect the teen's sense of self-esteem. Parents need to accept that adolescence is a time where children need their privacy and to be different- a difference that comes not out of shame of their parents and family, but of needing to be their own person. There is also a need to show respect for the teens' needs, especially when they are not being respectful themselves. Communicate your disappointment and or dissatisfaction in a way that is brief and non-judgmental.
Peer acceptance and support are vital to the young person. Hence, it makes sense for parents to acquaint themselves with their teen's friends and their parents, so as to establish a network of support. When your teens face problems in their social relationships, encourage them to make their own decisions in resolving those difficulties, after your have explored their choices with them; support them by expressing your confidence in their choices.
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