According to a recent report by the Ministry of Research on Networks (MORON), viruses have crossed the human-machine divide, and viruses can now be transmitted to humans. Variants of the Melissa strain have already been detected in recent admissions.

It has further been reported that one in three Singaporeans experience not ringing in their ears (symptomatic of Tinnitus), but tapping in their ears, caused by excessive exposure to keyboard-induced noise. This tapping has even been known to assume the beat Gene Kelly used in Singin' In The Rain, and co-workers have been observed to spontaneously break out in song, disrupting the sanctity of the office.

Other reports have shown that the level of frustration induced by reactions to so-called computer malfunctions (more likely a high-level conspiracy) have increased the average worker's blood pressure significantly. Who can't relate to the frustration of computers "hanging" when you haven't saved your data, or the minor irritation of having your screen-saver mode come on every 0.000035 seconds when you distinctly programmed it for 15 minutes? Or how about the fact that in the computer world, things seem irreversible - "Oops, sent an e-mail to the wrong recipient. Yikes! Sent the e-mail to 250,000 wrong recipients!".

Ever tried fixing one of the common hiccups you encounter? I have, and if my experience has taught me one thing, it's.... computers have a 'mind' of their own! I'm fixing the problem, the computer bleeps rudely in response, I persevere, and it completely refuses to respond in any way, not even flicker one of its little lights. Hello?! The bane I have to endure.

So, what's the alternative? Personally, I advocate abolishing computers completely. They are a risk. From the health hazards of rotting food in keyboards to heart attacks... Let's go back to punching out data cards by hand, calculating equations on paper, letting silverfish eat our address books. After all, at least that can't crash on us. In fact, while we're at it, why don't we just not use electricity and get back to a purer state of existence?

Let me know when you've managed to do it. I'll check my schedule on my Palm Pilot and we can talk about it.

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